B-log? No, A-log

That is my ambition, within 1 year I will start working in the field, after 5 years I will evaluate my experience in the field.
According to how clear I am on achieving my ambition, I will seek out a new job that will put me closer to my goal.

To say that is my goal is not entirely right, it is a merely means to an end, the end that says:" Hey you guys up there! A green city is a good, productive city. So start working on the rest of Malaysia!" and " You guys over there! A green city is a good, productive city, so start working on yours!".

This may very well be merely a phase, my dreams may change, my goals may change, but if they do, then good, it means I have found a more suitable one. If they do not, just as well, it means I'm moving closer to them. I will not pray that I will not fail, I only pray that I do not get lost, lost in the mundane world where living everyday takes everything out of me. I will not pray that my goals must be fulfilled, I will only pray that I will always have the ability to contribute. I will not pray that each and every step be smooth and steady, I will only pray that each bump and crack has a wisdom to be gained.

Finally, good luck and have fun, me of the future.

They are weird creatures, of their various activities and rituals, one of them seems particularly strange, they seem to enjoy an activity called "socialising", in which they combine efforts to create a monster called a "group". A "group" is a monster, vaguely resembling a human, it tries to imitate what a human does, smiling, talking, laughing. But it all just seems like an imitation, none of it feels genuine. There's an even bigger kind of monster, called "society", that one is even less human-like, but I won't talk about it.

A "group" is created, firstly by a number of people gathering together, they then proceed to decide upon the form of the monster. This is done through a ritual consisting of various verbal exchanges and body language, once they have come to a consensus of the form of the "group", whenever the same, or similar collection of people gather, they will automatically proceed to construct the monster. An interesting phenomena relating to this activity, is when a member or several members, are added to an existing "group"-creating collection of people, they can engage in the same ritual mentioned, and henceforth become part of the activity. They are potentially able to influence the form of the "monster". The degree to which the additional members can influence, or decide, the form of the "group" depends partly on the rigidity of the preexisiting form, and partly on the assertiveness of the newly added members. Giving me reason to believe that the rituals are very arbitrary and meaningless, and furthermore, tiring and time-consuming. Since it can potentially be changed quite easily. Some specific collections go to extremes to preserve their "group"'s form, making them seem hostile at times, but they are a very kind of collection, and I have limited experience, and hence, limited opportunity to study them.

There are other mysteries to be solved regarding these creatures called "humans", but this is all for now.

Feeling kinda down lately, not sure why. Maybe it's all the stuff going on with my life, and my closest friends, most likely, not sure really. Could just be that I'm not getting enough sun, seems lack of sunlight can cause depression, did you know?

Life is so big, so hard to understand. Maybe I don't really need to understand it. But, you know, I just can't help it. The world is such a grim place, so many problems, so many fruitless efforts, so many misguided efforts, so much pain, so much sadness. I might sound pessimistic and all, but you know, when life isn't going smoothly, you can't help but think about all the other bad stuff going on.

Having said that, I feel there's always a deeper meaning to it, all this stuff that is going wrong now, someday, it will end, someday, you will look back, and think, "that was what made me who I am today, that is part of me, and I appreciate all that happened". But you know, right now, I just wanna know, when will it end.

But then again, what is "it" that I'm referring to, I'm not even sure myself, maybe that's why it won't end? I always believe that your decisions decide what happens to you, therefore, the only person responsible for what happens to you, is you. I guess that's why I'm so down. I suck, that's why things don't go smoothly.

Life is really big, I hate it that I can't get a grasp on it. I can't wait, I can't wait for the day that I can finally understand what is all about, I can't wait for the day when I can finally laugh at everything. I know it will come, but I hate that I have to wait.